*sigh*

How sad.

Now I wonder what to do with all the empty space.

Dear God, please please, don't make my worst fears come true. Thank you.

Welcome to Fight Club.

Well-hidden bruises. Invisible wounds. Broken ego.

Because I can't sleep--

--here's a quick survey: an artist/band for every letter of my name:
J - Juliana Hatfield
O - Olive
V - Veruca Salt
A - Air
N - Nine Inch Nails

*****

This reminded me of a question KF asked me in an elevator some time ago: if you were to replace your first name with a band name, what would you call yourself? (or something like that heheh...)

Of course bands named after real people don't count (like Juliana Hatfield heheh). Ivy's a pretty name, but that doesn't count, too. I remember answering Belly. Blur. Until now I have been thinking of good ones. Zwan? Pwede (malapit-lapit pa sa name ko hehe). Sorry, I'm kinda stuck on one-word band names.

Shonga.

As in.

I only realized yesterday afternoon that I left my copy of Smoke and Mirrors at the parlor where I had my haircut last Sunday. I probably placed it on the counter so I could rummage my bag for money.

Buti na lang suki ako sa parlor na 'yun. I called them up and I was told that, yes, I left my book there and I can claim it any time.

*whew* Buti na lang kung hindi kutob ko major bad trip ito.

Shonga talaga.

...

I'm not finished yet, I'm under construction.
~Tanya Donelly

Some thoughts on true love.

A few days ago someone asked me why I was wishing for true love in a recent entry I posted. I replied that I don't think I'll ever stop wishing for true love whether I am in a relationship or not. I am not looking for the perfect love. Gusto ko lang talaga, 'yung tunay. (Sana whatever you/I/everyone else have/has right now is something for real. Doesn't everyone wish that?)

For me, true love is--

• a verb without too many buts, too many objections;
• accepting each other for what they are and what they are capable of;
• setting expectations and goals for oneself (or for both parties), but not creating reasons to be disappointed at one another;
• knowing there will be problems, and making time to do something about them;
• knowing both will be happy despite these problems;
• letting go (while silently wishing that that stupid cliché about letting go holds water).

*****

*sigh*

*****

I'm currently dealing with odd sleeping hours. Shempre kapag inaantok ako sinasamantala ko na 'yung pagkakataon na makatulog, kahit alanganin ang oras. I guess it's better than not being able to sleep at all.

*****

I watched Hitch with Marnie last Saturday. It was hilarious. I think it was pretty good, except for that car scene some time during last 10 or 15 minutes. The overload of metaphors kind of killed the moment for me.

I also bought four books that day (a Tolkien, a couple of Roald Dahls and a Nick Hornby), something I haven't done in an awful long time. That's three more added to my growing stack of unread books (the fourth being my second paperback copy of one of my favorite books, James and the Giant Peach, illustrated by Quentin Blake this time). At least during the recent holiday I have started reading again. Maybe I can reduce that pile of unread stuff by a third. Maybe.

Good Friday.

So far, it is for me.

Wednesday and Thursday: boring and gloomy. :-P I killed these days by either sleeping, rereading old books, playing old skool Diablo 1 or watching DVDs/VCDs. Kiwi has recently been fighting her sibs for a turn on the GameBoy SP so I taught her how to play Dynomite on the condition na hindi siya maaadik sa games at mag-aaral pa rin siya (hehe).

A couple of days ago my mom and my brother decided that we would be spending Friday and Saturday billeted at the hotel. (This was the usual practice but we skipped this for a couple of years. My mom has never been comfortable with long-distance travelling, and planning a vacation is simply a hassle none of us would like to handle. Plus, my brother gets huge discounts in some of these places heh heh heh...)

The trip took less than 30 minutes. Travelling in the metro has never been this stress-free. The Ortigas area was deserted, save for McDonald's St. Francis Square which was probably the only fast food chain within a kilometer radius of EDSA Shangri-La open on Good Friday. We had a quick breakfast at the hotel, and then headed for the swimming pools. As expected, andaming tao. Wanting some peace and quiet my mom and I let the kids have fun on their own and we went back up to our room after half an hour.

Happiness is a long soak in a hot tub. :-) Mmmmm... I hogged the bath for a couple of hours and reread bits and pieces of Smoke and Mirrors while half-submerged in hot water. This is the highlight of my week (as of the moment, anyway-- but I'm pretty sure this is hard to top). This is definitely one of the best kinds of alone time.

The comfort of room service and change of venue is short-lived for me, because tomorrow at 8 a.m. I have a photo shoot a couple of blocks away from home. I don't mind though, because now I have the house all to myself. :-) (Labo rin naman kasi eh, lahat naman ng kasama ko sa bahay kasama ko rin sa pinuntahan ko.) Walang maingay, walang istorbo (maliban sa telepono). :-)

I wish.

There are probably a million things I'd like to wish for, but for tonight I only have two in mind: I wish I had a sense of direction. And I wish for true love.

(Dagdag ko na rin 'yung wish na sana may magsasabing 'Your wishes are granted!' at totoo 'yung statement.)

Offline.

I hate this dial up connection. (But I don't have a choice at the moment. Pheh.) It's been really screwy lately, I kept on putting off posting something here.

And now I'm posting an entry when there's nothing much to say. :-P

*****

My life in extremes.

It's either I'm very busy, or I'm not doing anything at all. There is hardly any middle ground when it comes to work cycles. I'm too happy or I'm too depressed. It's a struggle, either way.

*****

I've said this before and I'll say it again: angst is soo 90s.

Chaka.

Chaka. Chaka. Chaka.

I will never walk great distances along EDSA again-- unless my life heavily depended on it.

If you move around the metro seated in an air-conditioned vehicle 98% of the time, and you are MALE, I can safely assume that you have no idea how I feel right now.

CHAKA.

Will work for food.

(and money, too.)

Hayyy... heto ako at nagpapaka-struggling artist. One of the things that I've been busying myself with is not going to push through. Not with me on board anyway. Sayang lahat ng pinagpaguran ko, and it will render me broke for the next couple of months to boot.

Tae desu.

At dahil dito hindi ko rin lubusang na-enjoy 'yung astig na Narda launch last week. The gig definitely lifted my spirits, though. Di ko pa napapakinggan 'yung album. Wala pa akong kopya. Hehehe... (Pati rin ata si Nico wala pang kopya.)

*****

At least I have given myself allowances to see more of Nico's gigs now, and to devote more time to my remaining projects and workshops. I've been asked to work for Narda again (not managing though), and I'm considering. Pwede na rin siguro akong manood ng DVD paminsan-minsan. (I still have a bunch of Miyazaki flicks to drool over.)

*****

After going to Mich Dulce's exhibit opening at SFAS (tumugtog ng 'Bossa Narda' sila Nico), Nico and I headed over to Eastwood to join his family to watch Hostage. Ick. Heheh... Choice ni Tito Duds-- he's the action flick-type of dad, and we already had tickets by the time we got there. The movie's got Bruce Willis cheese all over it. At nakakairita 'yung mga sub-sub-plots ek. Parang pinoy telenovela.

Sige, in fairness, I paid attention throughout the film. Siguro may entertainment value of some sort siya. Whatever. Heh heh heh...

(Pero salamat pa rin sa libreng sine.) ;-)

Summer is here.

And so is the season for summer workshops!

And now, here's a shameless plug from yours truly:

Last Tuesday, I did five (5!!!) art workshop sessions for wittle British/foreign kids at The British School Manila. Tamang napunta sa akin ang pinakabatang classes. Nakakapagod. Daig pa ang pagod ng maghapong badminton na walang warm up. Pero masaya and very fulfilling. :-)

I wish I had pics. Ang kukyut nila! :-)

E-mail no more.

This week my Renderosity e-mail address will cease to exist (*sniff*). There are other (creative) ways of getting in touch with me, so I won't tell you here na lang.

I still have YM, and my gmail, which I *love* and I have set up my account into Outlook Express (oh yes you can!!!).

There is no turning back with Gmail. You want an invite? Post a comment with your e-mail addy and I'll send an invite over to you.

(Luis, Gmail has simple web view now! It can work with old browsers na.)

Awooo...

Awooooo...

(courtesy of Peanuts' comic strip archive)

UP Naming Mahal.

Dahil ayaw ko pang magkuwento sa 80%-nakaka-urat na weekend ko, magpapaka-walang kwenta na lang ako sa survey na nakuha ko kay Berger.

1. Ano'ng Student Number mo? Kebs na anoh. Heh heh...
2. Nakapasa ka ba or waitlisted? Pasado.
3. Paano mo nalaman yung upcat results? Chinismis ng batchmate ko sa high school kasi nagpunta sila sa UP to see the results. (Ambagal ng snail mail nun!)
4. First choice mo ba ang UP? Yup.
5. Alam mo ba UPG score mo? Hinde.
6. Ano yung first choice mo na course? BS Chemical Engineering
7. Second choice? BS Computer Science
8. Ano course mo ngayon? Wala na ako sa school pero huling kurso ko Fine Arts (Vis Comm).
9. May plano ka mag shift? Shiftee ako.
10. chinito/chinita ka ba? Hindi.
11. Nakapag dorm ka na ba? Gusto ko kaso ayaw ng nanay ko. Lumayas na lang ako. Hahaha...
15. Naka Uno ka na ba? Parang hindi ata...
16. 3? Kapag nanggaling ka sa Eng'g, maligaya ka na dapat kung tres ang grade mo...
17. Highest grade: 1.25
18. Lowest: Na-singko ako sa Philo 1 kahit standing ko ay uno. Teacher ko nun si Salvador Carlos. Go figure. :-P
19. Worst experience sa UP: Hmmm... Lahat ata ng kamalasan sa pag-eenlist at sa mga prof dinaanan ko hehe...
20. Lagi ka bang pumapasok sa klase? Ah, depende sa subject. :-P
21. Anong org mo? Dumaan ako sa UP Freshman Assembly. Tas isang org pa na di ko maalala pangalan pero mahilig lang silang gumimik. Tas UPRise (na namatay kasama ng isa-isang pag-alis namin sa unibersidad). Pinakamatibay na 'org' ko ay 'yung college barkada ko.
22. May scholarship ka ba? Sa UP wala. Sa Ateneo full scholar ako dun. Ewan ko ba kung bakit hindi ko pinagsamantalahan ang mga heswita hehe...
23. Ilang units na ang naipasa mo? Marami. Dami ko pang dagdag na units na tinapos ko na wala sa curriculum ko.
24. NANGANGARAP KA BA NA MAG-CUM LAUDE? Hinde. Underachiever ako eh. Hahaha...
25. Kelan ka magtatapos? Magtatapos ng ano?
26. Fave prof: Sir Mel Silvestre, Cesar Hernando & Dodo Defeo sa FA. Patrick Flores sa Hum. Jocano sa Soc Sci.
27. Worst teacher: Simpliciano & Salvador Carlos. 'Nuff said.
28. Fave subject: Art History
29. Worst subject: STS. Super walang kwenta maliban sa bonding with group mates. Atchaka Philo 1 (dahil sa teacher na manyak at walang kwenta).
30. Fave landmark: Roadworks sa tapat ng AS na ngayon ay wala na.
31. Building: Main Library. Kilala kami ng mga librarian kasi ang iingay namin hehe...
32. Paboritong kainan: Beach House at Rodics (where you eat your best! hehe)
34.Magkano bayad sa ikot nun? Uhm, di ko maalala.
35. Lagi ka sa lib? Sa labas lang, nag-iingay. Hehe...
36. Nakapag infirmary ka ba ng minsan kang nagkasakit? Check up lang. At kapag kukuha ng medical certificate.
37. May crush ka sa campus? Oo. Kaso masungit siya eh.
38. BF/GF? Wala. Nada. Zilch.
39. May balak ka bang mag masters or phd? Gusto ko kaya lang...
40. Ano-ano naging PE mo? Swimming, Ballroom Dancing, Archery at PE 1.
41. Kamusta naman yung block section nyo? Masaya. Magkakaibigan pa rin kami. Nakakamiss nga lang. (Berger, naaalala ko 'yung roll call ni Rebi...)
42. Nakapanood ka na ba ng graduation sa UP? Oo. Nood lang ha.
43. Memorize mo a ang Alma Mater Song? Oo, kapag may kasabay. Hehe...
44. Nakaperfect ka na ba ng exam? Oo. Sayang lang di ko tinandaan kung ano. Minsan lang 'yun eh.
45. Anong gusto mo sa UP? Character-building experience ang UP.
45.Anong ayaw mo? Ayaw ko ng gulo at mga kups na teachers.
46.Maganda ba ID pic mo? Asa pa. Kadiri. :-P
47.May ginawa ka bang illegal sa campus? Uhm... baka meron na, hindi lang ako aware. Hahaha...