One cannot imagine how much effort it takes to be (emotionally) strong in trying times, or at least appear so in front of other people, specially to the ones s/he holds dear.
I guess that's mostly the reason why I keep to myself during these moments. It saves me the effort, and my friends the grief of having to put up with me. I know there are people who don't mind doing that, being the real friends that they are (thank you). I don't mind being a sounding board for other people, either, but still, I find myself embarrased and apologetic for unloading emotional baggage when I have to.
***
Yesterday morning, Jovi & Coi's dad passed away. The Reyes family was as surprised as I am, because they had no idea what Tito Jun was going through all this time.
He was the image of the invincible father figure, immune from all troubles and all sicknesses. Jovi said he hardly ever got sick, and he always told his children not to let ill health get the best of them. She only saw him cry once, when a favorite relative died.
He sneaked out of the house on motorbike when every one is asleep, for secret trips to the hospital. And until two or three days ago (the time he was rushed to the ICU), his family knew nothing of his diabetes and leukemia. They found out too late.
Nico and I went to the wake at Arlington late last night. Tito Jun's passing hasn't registered yet. Looking inside the coffin didn't convince me enough of death. I didn't see anyone with weary, tear-stained faces, only silent regret. I felt sadder than everyone else, but I know that wasn't true.
I was left thinking: if they can smile in a time like this, why can't I?
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